John’s Adoption Papers
An exploration of thoughts and emotions in light of the recent overturning of Roe v Wade.
1.
As far back as I can remember, I’ve known I was adopted. At times it felt special — like being chosen, being especially wanted. I wish this feeling had grown as I got older, becoming the one that informed my most basic choices, helped hardwire my responses, formed a framework for my personality.
It didn’t.
Instead, a different code was written on my psyche — a code based on faulty programming creating instructions for how I would move through the world. It was based on the nagging nagging questions - accusations really: What did I do so wrong that my own mother gave me away? And, when entering into any relationship of depth, would this person abandon me too?
Will you? Even now the questions are there.
Not that I was conscious of this. Just like the code quietly running all the programs on our computers, phones and devices every day, it only captivated my attention when it caused a glitch, a freeze, and led me down the wrong road.
It took a long time to come to terms with how much this “code” influenced my behavior, my emotions, my expectations. And discipline is continually required to recognize it’s still there. It’s better when I can name it and take to heart and mind a healthier counter-messaging: things I consider to be more true, whole, and real.
But that is not the story I want to write here. Instead I want to write about another line of code, another question that has been inserted into this mental and nervous system of mine.
A question that’s been banging around my heart and head, incessantly clamoring in the background of conversations I have and informing things I read concerning the recent Supreme Court decision to overturn Roe vs. Wade.
And it’s a question that hangs over the story of my adoption. I recently sat down and transcribed all of the records. I thought I knew my story, but there are things I learned, and things I’m still figuring out.
Before I share that question, and details of my adoption and my thoughts on Roe, I’m going to have to ask, no demand, that we keep this conversation here. I don’t consent in any way shape or form for my story to be used as ammunition in this damned culture war. We can talk about it here, or in person, or through DM’s, but that’s it.
Grace and peace y’all.
I’m not an expert on anything but I have a few experiences in which I’d like to refer. The topics of adoption and abortion are both close to my heart. But they are so big and broad I think I will just cover one subject this time.
One argument for abortion that I hear A LOT is that people who claim to be pro-life are only pro birth but they don’t give a damn after the baby is born. When I hear this I am always a little offended. I am involved with three different ministries supporting foster families and foster care children. I have adopted two little boys through Fostercare. yes we are involved after birth we are doing all we can to support the lives of these babies after they are born. But I also know abortion is not going to help the foster care system. 70 million unborn babies are gone and the foster care system is still overwhelmed.
I have held a Four month old fetus that died. I have seen how it is fully formed. I’ve also seen a completely formed baby in a metal dish… Dismembered. I’ve seen a partial birth abortion that I could never even tell anybody about. I have seen other things that I don’t even talk to my husband about. I don’t judge. I’ve held many women who have had abortions and regret what they’ve done. Not all but most. I’m willing to bet just about anything that if President Biden saw what I’ve seen he would see it is not the woman’s body… it’s the baby’s body.